Do you ever feel like you have to be someone you're not in order to have a good marriage? That's ok! In fact, I would say, that is a good place to be!
The less I am "myself" the better my marriage goes and therefore, the better my life goes. Myself wants to dominate and control. Myself wants things my way. Myself wants to put forth the least effort and fully give into my flesh. Who I am in Christ however, who I am when I die to self, wants to give the other person their way, wants to submit to my husband in all things (Eph. 5:24) and fully give myself over to the Spirit.
Our marriage should constitute (after our relationship with Christ), the most important relationship in our lives. What are you willing to give up for that relationship? What are you willing to sacrifice? Hopefully we are willing to sacrifice our wants, wishes and desires in order to have the best marriage possible.
Now, before you start throwing tomatoes at your computer screen let me explain. "You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Cor. 6:19-20. Did you catch that? You aren't yours. You don't belong to you anymore if you are a follower of Christ. You belong to Him and He calls you to adapt to your husband. He calls you to submit or put yourself under him and that is going to call for a major, difficult changes for most of us... I would dare say, for all of us.
Many of us wives spend so much time worrying about what our husbands aren't or are doing that we lose track of what God has called us to do!
Now maybe you have a super passive man and you don't feel this as much. But in some ways I bet you have to work super hard (not be yourself) and let him lead how he wants (which might look like not leading) and deny your desire to control. Or maybe you are married to a visionary man that has you on a constant roller coaster ride, learn to enjoy the ride. Learn to let go and be someone you're not in order to support your man in a way that seems so foreign and scary to you. Remember, your job is not to make sure your man is doing everything right, your job is to be obedient, respectful and submissive... you better believe that calls us women to be someone we aren't :) Maybe you are married to an organized, leader-type and efficient man like me and you are anything but organized and efficient. Maybe you feel like me and that you have had to be someone you aren't in order to bring the most peace and joy into your home... and that's ok! God calls us to a life of self-denial. Every Christian has to be someone they aren't in different ways in order to bring the most glory to God.
Now hopefully you picked a godly man to share life with that will also experience this push to be someone he isn't in order to love you as Christ loves the church. But if you didn't, that doesn't get you off the hook for doing your part when it comes to obeying God and His calling on your life as a wife.
Proverbs 12:16 says: "A fool’s wrath is known at once, But a prudent man covers shame." Some of us wives are acting as fools letting our wrath and whatever else we are feeling be known at once because we believe in fully being ourselves! But the verse goes on to say a prudent man or in our case, a wise wife, covers shame. The word here in greek means to hide or conceal. Sometimes the best thing for us to do, the wisest thing for us to do, is hide or conceal ourselves. Be someone we aren't. The most miserable wives are the ones who refuse to hide or conceal or deny. The most miserable wives are the ones who are so busy fighting for their rights and being themselves that they forget the ultimate goal of marriage is to bring God glory, not themselves.
So stop fighting against that push to be someone you aren't... instead embrace it! Claim it as if it's something you want because you know that in the long run it will make for a more peaceful home and marriage and therefore life!
It's easy to pay attention to your husband and put his needs first when it's just the two of you. But when you throw 2, 3, 5, 8 kids into the mix it makes things a lot more difficult. Add to that homeschooling and ministry and you are bound to be scrambling just to keep your head on straight much less figuring out how to pour into your marriage. But it's easier than you think! Here are four ways even the busiest wife can nurture her marriage:
#1 Smile. Weird huh? But when's the last time you intentionally looked at your husband across the room and smiled? A smile can change the whole mood in the home. When your kids are running around like monkeys make an effort to look at him and smile. This is a small way to warm his heart and let him know you not only love him, but you like him.
#2 Text him. Text him things you are thankful for about him. Text him about how thankful you are that he works hard for the family. Text him some of your favorite things about his personality. Text him about how you appreciate his love for your kids. Text him anything during the day that will encourage him and put a little pep in his step!
#3 Put the kids to bed early and plan a "in home date night". Make his favorite dessert and sit together at the dining room table or out on the front porch and talk about your day. It's amazing how much this time together can nurture your marriage and save you money! :)
#4 Touch him. Embrace him with a big hug and kiss when he gets home. Hold his hand when you sit together. Lay your head on his chest when you sit next to each other on the couch. Some men are not "touchers" and so you can ignore this one. But it is important that you find out how he does feel loved! Does he light up when you verbally affirm him? Does he seem extra thankful when you serve him his favorite meal or bring him a cup of coffee? Does he beam with joy when you surprise him with a special gift? Figure out what blesses him the most and look for ways to incorporate it into your life! Figuring out your husband's love language and looking for opportunities to do it will be a major way to nurture your marriage. One love language most men share is sexual intimacy. Be sure to be available sexually for your husband too! You are the one woman he gets for life to satisfy him and you don't want to disappoint. God has made it very clear in His Word that your body belongs to him too. Don't deny him.
When we pour into our husbands and marriage this way we are nurturing ourselves too! When we feed our marriage we are feeding ourselves! After all, two become one flesh. However you nurture him you nurture you.
Please leave a comment and give your own ideas of ways that you nurture your marriage in the midst of busyness. Also let me know if you do one of these four things! Would love to hear how it goes!
With money: Our husbands should be able to trust us with our
spending habits. We should be looking for ways to save and bless our homes financially. A frugal wife is a good wife. Does your husband have to wonder if you are buying things behind his back? Can he trust that you will always do your best to save when going to the store or mall?
With his reputation: How do you speak about your husband when he is not around? Can he trust that you will always do your best to speak only of his strengths and not of his weaknesses? The one exception for this is of course biblical counseling where you can share, still with respect, your husband's weaknesses/areas to improve in. Another way for him to trust you with his reputation is to remember that you represent him. You took his last name and in doing so your actions are attached to him. Two become one flesh. When in public keep in mind that his reputation is following you. Represent him well.
With your children: Can your husband trust that you are teaching your children in the ways of the Lord? If you home school your children, can he trust that you are being diligent in their educations? Does he trust that they will be more like Christ because they are with you? Mothers predominantly spend more time with their children than the fathers do and because of this your husband needs to be able to trust you with them. His heart should be able to rest when he goes to work in the morning knowing that they are in good hands.
With your time: This is a biggie. Can your husband trust that you will make the best of your time while he is away? Do you look for ways to bless him? Do you seek to keep the home in a fashion that is pleasing to him so that when he returns from work he is encouraged? Can he trust that you will not be selfish with your hours and spend them wisely or does he have to wonder if you will watch hours of television, talk on the phone endlessly or surf facebook all day? Can your husband trust you with how you invest your time?
With your thoughts: What do you think about? This is something your husband cannot see. This is something he has to fully trust you in. Do you purpose to think well of him? Do you pray for him, or do you constantly push rewind on all the things he does wrong? Does your mind wander to other men that would make better husbands or "the guy" you should have married? Don't go there ladies. All things start in the mind. Take your thoughts captive to Christ and make sure your husband can trust you with your thought life.
With his preferences: As wives we are called to submit to our husband. We are called to adapt to them. Can your husband trust that you are committed to this? Can he trust that you are making his preferences your preferences or do you make him feel stupid because he wants the shoes all put away or because he likes a certain area in the living room to be clutter free or because he wants the carport kept tidy? Don't make your husband feel like an inconvenience. Adapt to him. Make him feel like he can trust that while he is away at work you are doing your best to make his preferences your priorities.
With his heart: Can your husband trust you with his heart? Many men are afraid to truly share how they are feeling with their wives because they know it will turn into a fight or lecture. Can your husband trust you with his deepest thoughts? Can he feel safe when sharing with you how he truly feels or does he never venture there because you are more like his mother than his spouse? We should all be best friends with our spouses and one of the most important ways to be more of a friend to our husbands is to make them feel like they can trust us with their hearts.
"The heart of her husband trusts in her..." Proverbs 31:11
"For
the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband
does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body,
but the wife does. Do
not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited
time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together
again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." (1 Cor. 7:4-5)
When you got married you signed over your body to your husband. Yet another reason for you single ladies to be VERY PICKY about who you say "Till death do we part" to. When you said "I do" to your husband you were also saying: I give you authority over my body. Single ladies, be warned, who you marry will have authority over your body. This verse can be scary for some women no matter who they married. But regardless, you are called to satisfy your husband sexually.
The passage goes on to say: "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a LIMITED TIME, that you may devote yourselves to prayer...." Let's dissect that a bit. Notice the first part which pertains to the title of this post: "Do not deprive one another". More often than not, this is an issue for the man feeling deprived and not the woman (I do know of some cases personally where it's the other way around, but by and large men feel deprived more often than women). The bible COMMANDS US to not deprive our husbands "except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer." I have yet to see this lived out in my 8 years of ministry/marriage counseling. Usually it's just the wife depriving her husband because she doesn't want to give of herself to him sexually. I have not heard of a married couple coming to an "agreement for a limited time" so that they devote themselves to prayer. But those are God's instruction for choosing to not be sexually active with your spouse.
When we as wives choose to deprive our husbands sexually by telling them no or giving them the cold shoulder or another excuse, we are depriving them of a very really need and in so doing Satan tempts them because of a lack of self control! Our husbands will stand before God accountable for their actions but do you want to be the one that contributed to Satan tempting them?! When we deprive our husbands their lack of self control grows.
Think of it this way: "Just as your body tells you when you're hungry, thirsty, or tired,
your husband's body tells him when he needs a sexual release. Your
husband's sexual desire is impacted by what's around him but it is also determined by biological factors, specifically the presence of
testosterone in his body.
Immediately after sexual release, men
are physically satisfied. But as their sexual clock ticks on, sexual
thoughts become more prevalent, and they are more easily aroused. The
physical need for sexual release intensifies as sperm builds up...
The best way for a woman to understand this
dynamic is to relate it to another physiological need. If you've had a
baby, you may relate to the experience of milk building up in your
breasts a few days after giving birth. The buildup of breast milk
becomes annoying (and even painful) until the milk is expressed." (a quote from Focus on the family)
When you turn your husband down time and time again you are depriving him of a very real, physical need. Married men should not have to tell themselves no because their wives are too selfish to give of themselves physically. We are setting our husbands up as bait for Satan to tempt in all sorts of ways when we deprive them.
If this post has convicted you because of your lack of response to your husband's needs (or because of your outright rebellion to these verses) please respond to that conviction and recognize that you no longer have full authority over your body. Your body is a gift to your husband. Don't deprive him of it any longer. Bless him in a way that only his wife can knowing full well that God is pleased with what you can give him!
Lastly, sexual issues can play a very significant part in the marriage relationship. Don't be ashamed! Seek out godly counsel. Contact your church and let them know you would like counsel if you are not sure how to deal with the different issues that are involved in your sexual relationship with your husband. There is nothing to be ashamed of. God created sex as a blessing for the marriage relationship!
Paul Tripp is definitely becoming one of my very favorite authors. Recently my husband and I went on a marriage retreat with our church. The retreat revolved around Paul Tripp's: What Did You Expect marriage dvds.
Here are my favorite points. I hope they encourage you in your marriage as much as they did for me!
Questions to ask yourself:
1. Do you love your spouse in the same manner Christ has loved you?
2. Do you quietly wish God was doing a better job working on your spouse and changing him or her into the image you want?
3. Are you gracious in the face of the failures of your spouse?
4. Do you seek to be a tool in the hands of God of GRACIOUS change in the life of your spouse?
5. Do look for opportunities of ministry more than opportunities to prove you are right?
6. Does the way you treat your spouse demonstrate that you want God's kingdom to come into your marriage or your kingdom? Along the same line, are you making efforts to serve the kingdom of God in your marriage or are you seeking to make others, including your spouse, serve your kingdom?
Great points:
1. Looking to temporary fixes as a means of saving your marriage only leads to more problems. Date nights, fancy gifts and vacations, flowers etc. are like fake apples on a apple tree. Maybe they taste good for a bit but if your marriage/apple tree is not making apples on it's own because of issues dealing with the roots of your marriage then you are bound to fail and never ultimately improve your marriage.
2. What rules your hearts will rule your marriage.
3. The sooner you give up on establishing your kingdom in your marriage the sooner you will learn to enjoy marriage as God intended.
4. You are a flawed person married to a flawed person in a fallen world but you have a faithful God. Look to Him to improve your marriage, not to the fallen world around you.
5. When you love only because you feel loved you are no longer loving in a biblical way.
6. Marriage issues are first heart issues.
7. No matter how your spouse has or hasn't loved you today you can still say: "I have been dramatically loved by my God."
8. Godly marriages are rooted in worship.
