I guess I am officially Babydumb. I was an avid babywise mama (which some of you KNOW) with my first three kiddos. Especially my first one. I felt like I had lost my mind and babywise seemed to bring some sanity. Rhea, my first, seemed to be the perfect "babywise baby". But there were times I would let her cry and cry and cry... I regret that now. FOR ME babywise was really to feed my selfishness. I am not saying this is the case with all babywise moms, but it was undoubtedly the case for me. I didn't want to be inconvenienced by a needy baby all day and night so the idea of letting my baby cry in the room and having a book tell me that I had every right to do so made that selfish side of me very happy and content.
Fast forward to baby number three. Johnny.
He was sickly. I have my suspicions at this point that it was actually vaccines that made him terribly sick. He was in the 1 percentile for weight and 103 percentile for head circumference... his head kept growing and his body kept shrinking. It was terribly frustrating and scary. I was told to stop breast feeding him or they would have to tube feed him... so I stopped. Johnny was sickly and needy and I "babywised" him. Big regret. I wish I would have nurtured him... comforted him... ran to him instead of running away from him... I still cry about it to Scott....
Our fourth was born on February 6th 2013. Charis (greek word for grace) Hope LaPierre. Man oh man, she is so sweeeeeetttttt :)
I felt different this time. Charis is our first "reversal baby". I felt more thankful this time than ever before. I was looking forward to being a mom more than ever before. For the first time I wasn't viewing my newborn as a nuisance... but as a gift. Not as an inconvenience but as a blessing. I was seeing her not as "work" but as a baby to enjoy. Such a difference. I found myself not wanting to let her "cry it out" (which often turns into "screaming it out"). I wanted to hold her longer.... nurse her longer and more often... but I felt guilty for that!
Then I found these four articles from aboverubies.org:
1. Breastfeeding God's Way
2. Baby Three Changed My Heart
3. Why Does My Baby Want To Suck All The Time?
4. Breastfeeding, Bell Bottoms and Birth Control
They encouraged me GREATLY! I felt like they were confirming my mothering instincts and allowing me to ENJOY being a mom of a baby!
Here are a couple quotes from the above article that in particular encouraged me:
"Hindsight is always 20/20. Mothering my first two children, I was selfish and controlling. I didn’t want to lose sleep! The book said to let the baby cry. Slowly, I became numb to his cries and my heart turned to stone. Even my husband would ask to pick up the crying baby to rock and comfort him, but I said, 'No, the book says…' Mothering this way is such a beautiful picture of the love of God! Is it always easy? NO! With every baby I learn more about dying to myself. But, knowing my breasts comfort my little ones brings much peace to me. Now my husband has the opportunity to comfort and rock his little ones too!"
"I was full of great intentions as I set out to nurse my first baby—nearly 50 years ago! My mother was by my side to encourage me in the way she thought best—to feed my baby on a four-hourly schedule. But sadly, this way brought me heartache and frustration. Every time my baby woke before the four hours were up, I paced the floor in agony waiting to feed him. My heart ached while my baby cried...(the fourth baby she transitioned to not scheduling) But, now I was in a dilemma! I was enjoying life, but the old wives’ tales haunted me. I certainly wanted to do it God’s way. I cried out to God for direction. He was faithful and revealed His truth to me through Isaiah 66:10-13. In this passage God likens Jerusalem to a nursing mother. As we read the passage we see God's plan for nursing mothers. We do not even see the word "food" mentioned. Instead. it talks about satisfying, consoling, delighting, and comforting. The revelation hit me. Nursing is not an alternative method to bottle feeding. It is total mothering! It is ministering to the total needs of the baby, whether it is for hunger or emotional security. This “freeing” way of mothering blesses mother and baby. Not only does the mother meet the needs of her baby through sucking, but God provides natural contraception. It takes a lot more sucking than scheduled feeding provides to hold back ovulation."
I could quote so much more but don't want this post to be a bajillion words. The part in particular that resonated with me is how God likens Himself to a nursing mother.... nursing is not just for food but for consoling and comforting. I love to console and comfort Charis now. I only wish I could go back and do that with my other three...Thankful for this opportunity the fourth time around!
This post is not meant to offend people! It is meant to encourage mamas who are maybe on the fence in their nursing "style"/approach. It is for moms like me. Moms who feel guilty for nursing their babies. That is sad. Nursing is such a gift to mama and baby! It is a privilege to be able to comfort our babies!
I still did some "sleep training" with Charis. She has never slept with me (just doesn't work... tried it numerous times... and it doesn't work for my husband either). She sleeps in her crib happily and peacefully. She looks forward to going to bed. She slept through the night as early as my boys did (whom I did babywise with). She is happy and so am I. I no longer dread the newborn stage and I am thankful.
p.s. sorry to all my mom friends that I shoved babywise down your throat... now I will be trying not to shove babydumb down other mom's throats.
They encouraged me GREATLY! I felt like they were confirming my mothering instincts and allowing me to ENJOY being a mom of a baby!
Here are a couple quotes from the above article that in particular encouraged me:
"Hindsight is always 20/20. Mothering my first two children, I was selfish and controlling. I didn’t want to lose sleep! The book said to let the baby cry. Slowly, I became numb to his cries and my heart turned to stone. Even my husband would ask to pick up the crying baby to rock and comfort him, but I said, 'No, the book says…' Mothering this way is such a beautiful picture of the love of God! Is it always easy? NO! With every baby I learn more about dying to myself. But, knowing my breasts comfort my little ones brings much peace to me. Now my husband has the opportunity to comfort and rock his little ones too!"
"I was full of great intentions as I set out to nurse my first baby—nearly 50 years ago! My mother was by my side to encourage me in the way she thought best—to feed my baby on a four-hourly schedule. But sadly, this way brought me heartache and frustration. Every time my baby woke before the four hours were up, I paced the floor in agony waiting to feed him. My heart ached while my baby cried...(the fourth baby she transitioned to not scheduling) But, now I was in a dilemma! I was enjoying life, but the old wives’ tales haunted me. I certainly wanted to do it God’s way. I cried out to God for direction. He was faithful and revealed His truth to me through Isaiah 66:10-13. In this passage God likens Jerusalem to a nursing mother. As we read the passage we see God's plan for nursing mothers. We do not even see the word "food" mentioned. Instead. it talks about satisfying, consoling, delighting, and comforting. The revelation hit me. Nursing is not an alternative method to bottle feeding. It is total mothering! It is ministering to the total needs of the baby, whether it is for hunger or emotional security. This “freeing” way of mothering blesses mother and baby. Not only does the mother meet the needs of her baby through sucking, but God provides natural contraception. It takes a lot more sucking than scheduled feeding provides to hold back ovulation."
I could quote so much more but don't want this post to be a bajillion words. The part in particular that resonated with me is how God likens Himself to a nursing mother.... nursing is not just for food but for consoling and comforting. I love to console and comfort Charis now. I only wish I could go back and do that with my other three...Thankful for this opportunity the fourth time around!
This post is not meant to offend people! It is meant to encourage mamas who are maybe on the fence in their nursing "style"/approach. It is for moms like me. Moms who feel guilty for nursing their babies. That is sad. Nursing is such a gift to mama and baby! It is a privilege to be able to comfort our babies!
I still did some "sleep training" with Charis. She has never slept with me (just doesn't work... tried it numerous times... and it doesn't work for my husband either). She sleeps in her crib happily and peacefully. She looks forward to going to bed. She slept through the night as early as my boys did (whom I did babywise with). She is happy and so am I. I no longer dread the newborn stage and I am thankful.
p.s. sorry to all my mom friends that I shoved babywise down your throat... now I will be trying not to shove babydumb down other mom's throats.
UPDATE: This is by far my MOST READ POST EVER. So I decided to give an update on how it is going with my second "non-babywise" baby. I have included six tips to help your baby sleep without "babywising" them. Check it out here!
one more thing :) Some may think: "There goes Katie, changing her mind again..." Okay, true. However, it is also a sign of teach-ability. I am open to counsel/advice/opinions different than mine. I am willing to listen to other views, especially if people can back up their view biblically. People who never change their mind tend to be unteachable/"stuck in their ways".
ReplyDeleteBalance, balance, balance! Don't throw out the Babywise with the bath water. I think it is a shame that you criticize it, it was not the problem. Sinful human nature is the problem. You didn't want a baby controlling your life and you needed to adjust your attitude. But babies also have sinful human natures and would like nothing better than to have every need and want met as fast as possible. It is your job as a loving mom to figure out how best to do that and sometimes that will result in lots of crying.
ReplyDeleteI passionately disagree with vdonald when you said babies have a sinful nature, toddlers maybe but not babies! Babies cry for a reason and the longer you leave them to cry the higher their stress levels become. Yes, this is what I did for my first child and I regret it from the bottom of my heart! Christy I think you put it very well, good on you!
DeleteI agree that babies have a sin nature from birth--my one month old already has thrown some temper tantrums--but I still pick her up and calm her, nurse her, and comfort her that she is still loved and cared for no matter what she does. I know my children were given to me because I need changing! My selfishness is a chosen path. When I put my desires before the needs of my children, whether it be physical or emotional, especially when I KNOW they have those needs, I have chosen to sin against God and against them. There is a time to train them in the right ways to go, but in the first few months of life, when they do not understand why they are being left alone to cry is not it. May God never abandon me when I am lonely and afraid, tired and hungry. May He continue to shower me with grace and love when I do the wrong thing, and am only focused on myself. And may He continue to send children to teach me just how gracious He IS, even as sinful as I am.
Delete"Balance" is always the cry of the babywiser, but they define "balance" in odd ways. If you read the scriptures, it is presupposed that Mommys know how to comfort their babies. (Can a nursing mother forget the child at her breast?) "Middle ground" is not defined as babywise nonsense. You are doing the right thing! I'm glad you aren't wasting your pain ~ don't be afraid to tell others about babydumb. You may save someone else the heartache you have put your children through.
DeleteI also disagree with vdonald. I let my todller cry it out but not my baby who is is almost 14 months. I still don't let her cry very long if she cries. That's mean. Babies are helpless. If your puppy was in the corner crying would you just let it cry? People treat their animals better than their children.
DeleteWhat a nice article. Soon enough your babies will grow too old to hold all the time. Enjoy those sweet little loves while you can. With each child I have , I am more and more amazed at the love that God has for me. To think I love this baby so much and that is nothing compared to the way he loves me. It is amazing and fills me with awe.
DeleteMy kids were affected by vaccines as well. the last 4 are vaccine free. we are expecting baby #7
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your point of view and your experiences with babywise and then without babywise. I used babywise with 5 of my 7 babies and it was a God send. They were scheduled and very happy about it. My 2 that weren't were very discontent babies. Babywise is not for everyone and Babywise users need to be flexible and remember that every baby is different.
ReplyDeleteevery baby is different Elizabeth! I feel like the way I used babywise made me treat them all the same. thanks for the thoughts!
DeleteThank you for this! It was very encouraging to me as I navigate motherhood.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to hear that you are listening to your God given instincts. I heard from many mothers to 'let them cry', and I tried it with my first, my very colicky boy. I let him cry for an hour one time, and that was about enough to put me over the edge. It goes against everything in our maternal instincts, yet so many women try to shut it off. I also had women telling me to put him on a schedule, that maybe I was nursing him 'too much. It was the only way to stop the crying, and I have no regrets. Even though it was the hardest 5 months of my life, eventually he grew out of it and I learned a lot about God, myself, and the bond that grows when you hold your child that many hours every day. I learned to pray that God would give me the strength to bear it instead of praying for him to sleep. I have seen that babies can be trained to sleep eventually, and some need their mothers security longer, but the more you put into them in those first months, the more independent they will be later. My motto is 'If every instinct in me says I should do something about this, then I better just do it.'
ReplyDeleteThe updated babywise that I used said "always feed a hungry baby" and that you shouldn't let them cry longer than 15 min. Worked great for us. It's all about using their *suggestions* wisely!
ReplyDeleteThank you for that feedback. I haven't read an updated version.
DeleteI agree that Babywise helped my babies to be much more content. I knew why they were crying and most of the time I was waking up the baby or feeding him/her before there was any crying anyway. I will say that I always read to them and then rocked and sang to them at bedtime--but I just didn't nurse or rock them to sleep. After my first two children I was exhausted, but after reading Babywise with #3, I felt better prepared while we continued to grow our family of 7 children. And yes, we were flexible, but the eat, play, sleep concept was very helpful.
DeleteHow does it come to be updated? Gid's Word doesn't change, and this book is supposedly inspired from him. What else are they getting wrong?
DeleteThey had to update it because the first version allowed babies to cry from hunger. Think about that next time you let a book tell you to ignore your baby's cries.
This article was very encouraging! Thank you for sharing! I tried sticking to a schedule and the holy spirit simply would not let me for the reasons you mentioned above. I no longer feel burdened with guilt when I "give in" to feeding outside of my baby's schedule. I feel free to feed him if only to nurture him when he needs it. Overall, I agree with Elizabeth above. Every baby is different and it helps both mom and baby when mom is flexible. =)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! We haven't used Babywise or other "baby training" methods with our kids but got a lot of pressure and comments from some people with our first and second babies on how we were doing things "wrong" and how it was going to be detrimental to our kids and our marriage (even though things like having our still nursing in the night baby in our bed is one of the best things we could have done for our marriage! a rested mama is a much more frisky mama! ;)). Very thankful for all the godly encouragement we've received from people that responding to our babies and kids needs is what they need and that getting outside of our own selfish ideas and responding to and taking care of them is how God made it to work. Always thankful to read more encouragement about this! Thanks for being brave on this controversial issue! I know this can be such a stick thing, people have been offended by us even saying that we don't believe/aren't comfortable in following things that are recommended in books like Babywise so I usually try to avoid conversations like this. Kudos to you for having the guts to encourage moms like me! :) Thanks!! Rachel
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments and thoughts everyone. I know this is a sensitive subject. My heart is not to offend... and maybe I should have re-worded things... I am just really enjoying my baby this time and I wanted to encourage moms who are in the shoes I was in... make sense? Thanks again. God bless you and direct you in this wonderful journey called motherhood!
ReplyDeleteEven though I hadn't read Babywise, I basically fed my firstborn on a schedule and let him 'cry it out' many times when it wasn't 'time' for him to eat. He used a pacifier til 9 months when he switched to sucking his fingers. At one year, he bonded with a stuffed toy. Now, at 4 and a half years, he is still sucking his fingers and sleeping with his toy.
ReplyDeleteMy question is, now that you've realized you ignored your older children's newborn needs (to put it bluntly! sorry - that's how i think of my firstborn now), how do you 'catch up'? How do you build that bond with an older child that breastfeeding is created to do?
thanks for sharing! while i agree with those who say that balance is key, it is also ever so important to factor yourself and your babys personality into the equation. i think your personal realization that babywise was causing you to be selfish in your motivation for sleep and sanity was so key in finding the freedom to become "babydumb". We are so often given these well-meaning tips and techniques for raising babies and many times they turn into legalistic practices. I too started out as a babywise mom, but as my 1st daughter began to show me that babywise was not going to work with her, i began to realize that type of rigid scheduling just went completely against my natural tendencies, i'm not a person who thrives on tight schedule and while i can maintain schedule if need be, i tend to be a more "free thought, expressive" person as well as a "figure it out as i go". i realized i shouldn't try to change my God-given gifts to fit another persons technique and i began to explore the gifting the Lord had given me and apply them to motherhood. I was such a freeing experience and i began to learn more about myself and more about my relationship to God and more about my baby. I think there are some who can really thrive with babywise (mothers and babies included), but just because it works for some doesn't mean it will work for other :)
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful article. We started out with a schedule with our first, and soon found out it wouldn't work. Baby boy wasn't growing fast enough, cried all the time, and I was a wreck. Found out that I had chronic low milk supply caused they say by not feeding on demand. We went to attachment parenting and my son thrived. We practiced attachment parenting with our sweet second, a little girl, and she thrived from the start. Even though I have a moderate to low milk supply again. But I will say, my heart doesn't ache when we attachment parent the way it did with the schedule. I say, "to each as they are comfortable with".
ReplyDeleteGreat article! What a blessing that you are sharing your experiences and perspective with others! Thank you! Rather than calling yourself Babydumb maybe use "Motherwise" :) So happy to hear that you are enjoying your new baby and the preciousness of being tuned in to your baby's needs!
ReplyDelete"Motherwise" I love it!!!
DeleteOur adopted children missed out on the closeness that our biological children had as babies and young children. It is hard to compensate for lost time. However, truth is, we need to continue to find ways to bond and strengthen attachment with our children as they grow, because they will continue to have needs and the world (and yes, their own sin nature) pulling at them for years to come. Satan would have you/us feel guilty about the lost opportunities for bonding and attachment, and it is good to reflect somewhat, but mostly we are to forgive ourselves (and others) as we accept God's forgiveness and move on in his grace and guidance in our relationships with our growing children. Babies are only babies for a short time. It is a very important time, yet there is so much more to childhood that give moms (and dads) ample opportunity to bond and nurture. We will mess up and that gives us opportunity as well -- to seek forgiveness and guidance/wisdom as we move forward. Thanks for your insight and sharing your heart!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this affirmation! We were advised against babywise from our mentor but its hard sometimes because everyone around us does it. I am so thankful for this encouragement today!!!
ReplyDeleteI saw this on FB via above rubies I think. Great stuff and I love how you are willing to admit life changes:) I am Emmy Baker's sister and have heard much about you.Blessings on your breastfeeding journey! I loved that part of motherhood most.
ReplyDeletehi there Emmy's sister! so nice to "meet" you! I sure love your sister. Thanks for stopping by!
Deletewonderful post mama. I am going on baby #7. My first was scheduled and vaccinate, my second was partially scheduled and partially vaccinated. numbers 3-6 and now 7 will not be scheduled or vaccinated. I did the cry it out and babywise with my first two. I think it gears more towards the choleric temperament types. I have learned to let my schedule be flexible enough to acomadate for a baby who needs to nurse and make sure the chores get done. If you can focus your time between unscheduled feedings to get things done it helps. Also, you have to learn to stop in the middle of some things. I have found babywearing helps a lot and feeding the baby before he/she is crying. instead of rushing to get the next thing done, I sit and nurse the baby then go on to my next project without stressing about how fast it has to be done before baby cries, or worse yet baby starts in and it still takes me 5 minutes. You don't spoil a baby by giving him what he needs. yes we are all born with original sin, but making them figure it out on their own is not what God intended. by comforting them and letting them know we are here for them at a very young age sets that huge foundation of trust we need inorder to parent without regret and for them to trust us. you serve as a guide to your children. not a commander. you can teach a child right from wrong and they can still choose which path to take, hopefully they heed your advice and correcting lessons, but sometimes they don't.. in babyhood, we nurse them to comfort them. they are scarred, tired, hungry, are we not also living the corporal and spiritual works of mercy? someday this will be a fond memory to revisit. I hope my life transitions from my own children's babyhood to grandbabyhood... I don't ever want to have life without little ones around. God bless.
ReplyDeleteI totally think there needs to be a balance. I have used baby wise with all 4 of our children and will with #5- due pretty soon. However.....I don't follow it to a tee. I agree with whoever said don't throw baby wise out with the bath water. There are some awesome principles in there and some, I agree with you, are just way too rigid. I had an experience one time with a girl that told me flat out to my face that using baby wise was cruel and inhumane. But, I looked at my kids and they were content and happy. I think my whole point, is, I don't think you can look at Babywise and Babywise users and put them all one boat. Babywise looks different in different homes, especially depending on how strict the person is with it. You know, I think there's also something to be said about those first babies, I know I was so much more strict with the first 3, I was just so uptight. I remember my mother-in-law making comments about how rigid I was, but that was just my way of trying to be the perfect mom. Now, with #5, I am so much more relaxed and just can't wait to enjoy her as a newborn. I think that attitude comes with time. That phase doesn't last forever, but when all your kids are still babies, it's so hard to understand that, at least it was for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great thoughts/input!
Deletedid she really say cruel and inhumane or is that how you took it?
DeleteAs a Brit of almost 59, and a grandmother - when I found out a few years ago that in the States there was this huge groundswell of parents who used CIO and the likes of Babywise with their children !! I had thought that CIO and 'timed' feedings had died a death when I was a baby! When I had my two [now 33 and 29 yrs old] we were taught to feed on demand, to co sleep if we needed/wanted [ with rules like no co sleeping if drunk or having taken certain drugs etc] and to go to a crying baby and nurse/cuddle them because we are NOT psychic as much as we as mums would like to think we are! Yes, they may be dry, fed, warm, etc - but they may just need to be held and comforted. Just like we do sometimes. Why would we deny that to a tiny baby ? !!
ReplyDeleteWell done Katie..... enjoy your motherhood !
thank you Susan for the encouragement!
DeleteI live in a city where virtually nobody knows how to take care of a baby. I wish I was being dramatic. I really do. You probably don't believe me, I didn't think it was possible in America to have such ignorance in child rearing. Not to say that I am perfect, but I have witnessed parents giving their 3 month old babies Reeses Peanut Butter cups and Beer in their bottles and mountain dew! Things that I thought were common sense are profound ideas to the mothers that I have seen over the last 2 years of my living here and ministering to these people. I'm not telling you this so you can be horrified like I am, but to encourage you to keep preaching proper parenting. It's surprising how much people just don't seem to know.
ReplyDeleteI started a blog of mommy and wife advice to, hopefully, shed some light on the importance of really taking care of our babies and children and husbands (I think it's a lost art) to the people I am around everyday.
I hope you don't mind, but I would love to link some of your writings, this one in particular, to my blog. I don't have a lot of readership yet, as I have just started it, but I want to supply the people that read it with the best information and resources that I can give them.
If you want to check out my blog it's: www.godlovemama.blogspot.com
Hello Erin! so sorry for the delay. I just saw this comment! Always feel free to share my stuff :) looking forward to checking out your blog!
DeleteHaha, you're brave. Discussing Babywise and all. I think with each baby comes a bit more of letting-go (of self, and of 'the little things' that used to bother us). I love your heart, and your love for your babies. And your ever-changing, learning, adapting to what God is offering. XO!
ReplyDelete:) thanks Summer! I love watching how you are as a mom. It is a true joy to do this motherhood journey with you!
Delete