This is Part 2 to an article I wrote a few days ago in response to this article (Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed).
According to dictionary.com a courtship is defined as: the act, period, or art of seeking the love of someone with intent to marry.
I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound too terrible to me :)
I don't think courtship is the issue... I think, again, WE are the issue. Humans do a really good job at messing things up. Look at marriage. God designed it, we messed it up. Sex itself was designed by God and we have definitely messed that one up. The design of something can be good and yet because we are sinful we are fully capable of ruining things that are good.
Let's look at the definition of dating: Dating is a part of human mating process whereby two people meet socially for companionship, beyond the level of friendship, or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or marriage.
"Part of the human mating process" sure sounds worldly/evolutionist to me :)
Dating to me is worldly. That's the world's way of finding a mate. That was my way of "having fun" before becoming a Christian. Some people have a problem with the word courting and are really courting but calling it dating. My experience with dating was anything but godly and with the intent of finding someone to marry. It was more like the comparison below.
"Why Courthship is Fundamentally Flawed" thoughts on dating: "Traditional Dating fits our culture like a glove. Most of Americans
already intuitively know how it works because it is part of who we are
as a people."
In one word this is my response to that: "Duh!". Of course it fits our CULTURE like a glove. It's what our CULTURE does! Since when is the church supposed to do things like our culture?
Courtship, I believe, was born to look for a way to "date" in order to marry that DOES NOT look like our culture because when you say culture you usually mean the world around you and we know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God.
Another thing I would like to address in the article is how he said he knows some friends that have been turned down as many as 12 times by fathers when they asked to court their daughters. Here is the quote: "I know several godly, hardworking and attractive homeschool guys who have been rejected by as many as a dozen fathers.
I respect their tenacity. Getting turned down by courtship fathers is
tough on guys because the fathers are rarely gentle or kind." A couple things came to mind when I read this:
1. This author might be exaggerating... 12 times? And how many friends has this happened to? Several? How old are these guys?! Like 40? Who has lived long enough to get turned down by 12 fathers? Are these guys "girl crazy" or what?
After being in ministry for 8 years I have seen people (including myself) tempted to exaggerate a bit in order to make their point of view sound more convincing.
OR
2. If this is true then it is rare. How many of you who are in "courting circles' know people personally who have been turned down 12 times? Exactly.
I have been around both dating and courting circles. I know of one man personally that was turned down to court someones daughter. It was for a very good reason, the father wanted to see some consistency in work and integrity in this young man's life. Not a bad idea at all if you ask me. So maybe the gentleman who wrote the article is a part of some crazy, wacky, legalistic group OR his friends are not ready to marry and these dads were on to something.
He goes on to say dating leads to: "less heartbreak, more marriage and more fun." This is one of those parts that makes me sick to my stomach. WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT? Maybe the culture in his grandma's day afforded this (I put MAYBE because I don't really believe that either) but not today brother. Scott was a youth pastor in California before moving to Washington and one thing he told the families at the church was: "Dating is ruining our youth." We watched our youth crumble at numerous times under the temptation and heartbreak of dating. I am sure it was fun, all sin is pleasurable, but fun doesn't constitute godly. We watched it cause problem after problem.
Heartbreak and temptation are a part of life, not just a part of courting. I have seen heartbreak in the courting and dating circles (much more in dating) and I have seen temptation in both (again, more in dating). There is even heartbreak in friendships. That doesn't mean I do away with friends. Heartbreak is a part of life.
In the last eight years of our marriage, Scott and I have witnessed MORE marriage through courting than dating. We have witnessed less heartbreak in courtship than dating. And there has been plenty of fun in the courtships we have witnessed. This would also make his claim: "a commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness." bogus! I have seen a rise in singleness among dating and courting friends alike and I think the issue is men wait too long to marry and become more and more picky as the years progress and men are taking longer to grow up. Many of these men date and have dated lots of girls... evidently it has not helped them to find a spouse...
One reason I have a hard time seeing this guy's article as valid is because his understanding of dating came from his GRANDMA! His grandma people! All things sound purer from a grandma. Nothing he says about dating comes from personal experience.
If you want to talk to me or my high school buddies who dated numerous people (like he recommends) and find out what we think you will get a very different perspective. If you want to talk to the girls who bought into the lie that they could date and not get their heart broken you will get a very different perspective.
I was thinking this morning: "Who have the happiest marriages that I know?" I came up with three. One of the common ingredients is a mature, godly man. One of the other common ingredients is, you got it, courtship. Two out of three of them only had one romantic relationship in their lives: each other and they are going on 25+ years of joy-filled marriage!
Courtship's definition, like I stated at the beginning, is very simple: "the act, period, or art of seeking the love of someone with intent to marry." The problem is not in courting but in what happens often in courting, and what happens in our everyday lives: sin. Hopefully that answers the title/question to this blog post. Sin messes everyone's lives up. Courting is just a more conservative approach to finding a spouse. It's not perfect because it involves two imperfect people. Heartbreak still sometimes comes.
Each family has a different, individual definition on what courting looks like for their family, but I find two things that seem to consistently remain the same:
1. Parental involvement. Read proverbs! God seems to think it is a good idea that children listen to their parents wisdom/advice. They are called to "bind their parent's teachings around their necks." What area, aside from our relationship with God, is in need of wisdom more than who we should marry? (p.s. I did not have very good parental advice... so I had to look to God's Word, some children with parents who are not in a position to counsel them in this way will also have to look to God for wisdom/direction or hopefully their potential spouses parents.)
2. Ready to marry. What's the point in getting to know someone and see if they are potential for a spouse when you aren't even ready to marry? It's like going to a car lot to buy a car when you are five. NO point. If your parents are Christians involve them in your pursuit of marriage and don't begin that pursuit until you are ready to marry. Oh, and don't be surprised if it's messy along the way.
People are good at messing things up. We are fundamentally flawed and in fundamental need of a perfect Savior.
I recently (painfully) read THIS ARTICLE titled: Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed. This is my response.
Here is the first quote I want to address...
"The One Dating Rule: Don’t go out with the same guy twice in a row." followed by a quote from his grandma: “If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I wouldn’t have known what I wanted in a husband."
What?! You can ask me, a girl who dated, if she is happy that she went out with different guys and my answer would be: NO! You can ask me if I think it helped me figure out what I wanted in a husband and I would say: NO! All my dating led to regret and heartache. Each time you date someone you are choosing to invest in them emotionally and sometimes, unfortunately, physically. Dating often leads to giving parts of your heart and body to someone who will likely not be your husband/wife.
God gave Eve to Adam. How many people did He choose in His infinite wisdom to give Adam? One. That's right folks...one person. What was God thinking?!! Why didn't He create numerous people for Adam to choose from? That way he would have known that Eve was the right one for him.
Next quote: "It is easier to justify promiscuity when you are exclusively committed
to just one person, even if that commitment is only a week old."
Promiscuity exists because of lust and temptation, not because someone is committed to just one person. I have been in dating circles and courting circles, let me share something they have in common: the temptation to go too far physically. Don't blame dating or courting. Blame your flesh, that's what the Word of God blames.
"Let
no one say when he is tempted, 'I am being tempted by God'; for God
cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death" (Jam 1:13-15).
Let's dissect these verses a bit and see what God says leads to temptation and then sin, which in this case manifests itself as promiscuity.
God says first not to blame Him. Sounds good to me. Then He points out each person is tempted when he is carried away because of courtship and because they are committed to just one person... oh wait! No! Each one is tempted when he is carried away by HIS OWN LUST. See, therein lies the issue: YOU. YOU ARE FUNDAMENTALLY FLAWED. You have this enemy called the flesh. You are born with it. It is continually enticing you to go agaist the work of the Spirit in your life. Don't blame courting. Don't blame dating. Don't blame your parents. Don't blame your genetics. Blame your flesh. You are fundamentally flawed.
"Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life" (Pro 4:23).
Jeremiah 17:9 says, "Your heart is deceitful."
Jesus said, ""For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. These are the things which defile the man..." (Matt. 15:19-20).
Your heart is the issue... YOU are the issue. You need a new heart, not a new system, not a new program, not a new list of rules...A NEW HEART. Don't fret! You don't have to try and manufacture this new heart. You don't have to work for it or sign up for some 12 step program. God is in the business of giving new hearts to those who receive His Son!
God said, "I will give you a new
heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony,
stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations" (Eze 36:26-27).
Another quote: "Recently I have seen a spike in divorces amongst couples who courted.
I have a few theories as to why this is. Young people whose parents
often maintain veto power on all of their decisions are then expected to
make this most important decision without any experience in good
decision making. They have no context of who they are, past decision
making or an idea of what they are looking for in a spouse. How can you know what personality you fit well with if you only go
out with one other person? The result can be a mismatched couple and a
marriage that is difficult to sustain."
There has been a spike in divorces amongst ALL married couples, not just those who courted. His theories as to why there is a higher divorce rate is another form of blame shifting: it's not the fault of the couple divorcing, courting is to blame! Surely if they dated they would not have divorced! Divorce is a result of sin not a result of not enough taste testing.
Scott and I have counseled many couples that were considering divorce. Here is what they had in common: sin. Here's what they they did not have in common: courtship before marriage. Once again, sin is the issue.
One of my main concerns with articles like this is it encourages people to blame the issues in their marriage on something (courtship) or someone (their parents) instead of their sin. They look to divorce as a way out of their "mismatch" rather than looking to Christ.
The second part of the quote that drives me crazy is where he discusses personality. Every couple is unique and therefore every couple has a unique personality. Every couple also, therefore, has the potential to experience major differences in personality. Things that will annoy you to no end are found in each personality. A "mismatched couple" is really EVERY COUPLE. We are all mismatched in some ways.
Couples get divorced because of "irreconcilable differences." Every couple has irreconcilable differences outside of the grace, forgiveness and love that's afforded through Christ. For example...
My husband is very organized and efficient. I am very free spirited and unorganized. I have never lived by rules and he enjoys rules. This can lead to many "personality conflicts" (and sometimes does). Here is what we don't let happen; here is what we don't say: "Well, if we would have dated more people we would have married someone that wasn't so mismatched." We DO say: "You know what, every marriage is composed of two sinners with two different personalities. If we have Christ in common though, surely we have all we need to have a successful marriage."
Matching personalities are not what is needed to make a good marriage. Christ is. Marry someone who loves Christ.
The article is really long and I am about to make mine just as long so I will stop here with the quotes. I just want to conclude with something I have noticed in my life...
I got my degree in psychology. Something I noticed is everyone blames their issues on their upbringing, their circumstances, etc. That to me is what this article does. Many loving parents wanting the best for their children have chosen courting for their children. If their children court and later get divorced they choose to blame courting, because the alternative would have to be accepting responsibilities for their own decisions. This is the sinful nature that makes us want to shift blame. It began at The Fall and has continued since: "The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate" (Gen 3:12).
I have heard people blame everything on their problems. They're mean because their dad was mean. They're bad wives because their mother set a bad example. They went off the deep end and left the faith because their parents were too strict. They fell into drugs because their parents sent them to public school...or they fell into drugs because their parents home-schooled them, sheltered them too much...the list goes on... and on...and on...
People don't truly change - like permanently change - unless God has worked in their hearts. People don't forsake sin and choose Christ unless the Spirit living inside them enables them. It is only when people recognize they are sinners in desperate need of a Savior that they have good marriages. It is only by grace, and not by a system or set of rules that couples have marriages that glorify the Lord.
You are fundamentally flawed. You fundamentally need Christ.
You can read the second part of my response HERE.
